To a Normal Person

The iPhone 7 follows the trend: Moderately better features and a battery life strong enough to run them without dying faster. The processor is better, the screen goes 25% brighter and has better color, and the speakers get twice as loud. The camera now lets you zoom in a bit without losing quality, and blur out the background for more artistic pictures. They did get rid of the headphone jack but give you an adapter so it doesn’t matter. They also sell a pair of wireless Air Pods ($159) that look brilliantly simple to use. The 7 starts at $649 and the 7 Plus starts at $769, and both start at 32GB rather than 16GB of storage.

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To a Techie

The A10 Fusion chip on the iPhone 7 uses a ridiculously fast 64-bit 4-core CPU. The retina HD display houses their widest color gamut yet, and with stereo speakers for the first time audio has a noticeably increased dynamic range. Not only is the camera F1.8 with optical image stabilization, but a new dual-lens technique allows for 2x optical zoom, and lets the 7 interpret depth of field for heavy boca images that might just rival DSLRs (7 Plus only.) The included lightning connector headphones allow for better audio playback control. Their first wireless chip (the W1) powers the new wireless Air Pods with dual accelerometers and optical sensors. They know when they’re in your ear, when you’re talking, when you’re listening, and can recharge from the case itself (5 hours in the Air Pods, 24 hours in the case.)

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To a Fan Boy

The only thing smoother than Jone Ivy’s accent is the process he describes in refining the single most precisely simplified phone to ever exist in humanity. Obsession. Evolution. Seamlessness. Sculpted from a single sheet of aluminium, each refined obsession with life itself takes a dip in a protective oxide layer, then gets polished to perfection in a magnetized ultra-fine iron particle bath (all true). Five stunning colors are available but the newest, Jet Black, is the one you want. You see, Jet Black is available exclusively in 64GB and 256GB, making it the most seamlessly singular way to broadcast your exclusive individuality. Because you are uniquely human. Humanity is evolution. Evolution is refinement. Refinement… is the iPhone 7.

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Check out Apple’s video: